I had kept my greenage usage pretty quiet from them, as since they were getting a larger family and I figured that they would be moving on from that, as all I knew was what my parents did (which was pretty much nothing. Yeah, I grew up sheltered). But ever since I started hanging out with them again, and have several times in the past few weeks, reality has started to hit. HARD.

I realize now that while I was having fun the past few years toking up, I always thought that one day soon I’d have to put the pipe down and ACTUALLY be an adult, as much as I wished to avoid that. But lately, expecially the way things are going at work, and how I’ve finally started to get things in order, it has come to my attention that I am an adult, no matter how much I don’t really feel like one.

The only real basis I have on being an adult is what I learned from my own parents, and maybe a little bit from other family or their friends (which was basically just like them), and I gotta tell ya, there lives seemed very, very boring. And I always knew that it was not what I wanted. Maybe it was fun for them, but I just didn’t see it.

Then, the other night as I was sitting watching them play guitar hero, it hit me. This is life. This is reality. Hanging out with friends, drinking, smoking, using balloons: This is my generations adulthood. And I like it.

There’s even more to it than that. Most of the time hanging out with these guys in the past I have felt like somewhat of an outsider, always careful trying not to say the wrong thing, basically always feeling tense and anxious. I finally realize that there is no need to do so. I can finally feel relaxed and actually have a great time without feeling….weird.

The most amusing part about this is that I have always heard opponents to green say that it is a way to avoid reality. It actually helped me discover reality (so to speak..). Oh, and it actually seems to help me quit drinking large amounts. It helps becouse while I enjoy a good buzz off of alcohal ( and I love the taste of beer), it wont let me drive home, and it usually makes me lose control of my actions and what I say. Green doesn’t do that to me.

His gf was out of town for the week and I had no other plans. Yet. Then, my engineer at work asked me to come in on Friday night for some OT, which I couldn’t turn down. This actually really sucked as it just fucked up the entire weekend for me. Then, my best friend mentioned that he wanted to go get our snowboarding passes some day this week, and then make some special apple booze stuff that is so wonderful. There went another day from the smokefest. Then, another good friend whom I hadn’t hung out with in a long, long time mentioned that his family was out of town for the week as well, and now he wanted to hang out.

Well, after I got up Wednesday, I found that the old friend decided to go with his family, so he was gone. My best friend (really, his wife) didn’t feel like doing anything, so I called up my 420 buddy and we hung out watching south park all night.

Thursday I went over to his place, and we hung out playing Fight Night on his 360 all night. However, this is where I got pissed off. I brought over 2 nugs to share, to which he looks at it and says “Is this all you brought? THIS IS ALL YOU BROUGHT TO A SMOKEFEST?” And I’m just sitting there like “WTF?” I just about said fuck it and left, but he cooled down and we kept playing. I pretty much ignored him the rest of the weekend.

I just didn’t understand it. I’ve never been stingy with my green, I just don’t smoke like he does. And just becouse I have a lot, doesn’t mean I want to smoke it all. I want that shit to last.

Anyway, I went to work Friday night, and only ended up having to stay half the night. Saturday I went over to some other friends house and hung out all day, making some more of our Hot Apple Pie Booze, which tasted fucking delicious.

Lately, I have been having a small crisis of faith. It was pretty much only known between me and my Mother. It wasn’t as though I didn’t believe in God. There is nothing on this planet (or even in the universe) that could make me not believe in God. Believing is not the issue. It never was nor will it ever be.

Faith, however, was.

Sorry, but after two knee surgeries and it still hurts, along with the never ending head pain, life was starting to suck. If you count that in with the fact that I can never seem to get ahead financially, life was really a-suckin.

 My Mother called me the other day, and asked if I still believed in God. At the time, I said that I wasn’t sure. I should have said Yes, but that I wasn’t sure why. She kinda freaked out and kept sending me emails for the next few days. I basically ignored her. I really didn’t know how to politely say “Please just butt out and let me figure this out on my own.”

But, the past couple days have been a blessing in themselves. I’m not gonna explain them. I just finally realized …… something. And it really opened my eyes. I’m not going to change the life I have been living, becouse, sorry, but it’s my life, and for the most part I enjoy it. Other parts of it I need. Some of it people may not like, but hey, as long as it doesn’t affect them, I guess they shouldn’t worry about it.

And the final blow? You’d never guess that all it took was a couple movies, a birthday party and a game of Uno.

What can I say, When shit hits it hits hard.

She went over the usual stuff for awhile, and then, BAM!: Do you still believe in god?

To be honest I don’t even know anymore. I almost don’t see the point. I want to, but I guess I need what every person questioning their faith needs. A sign. Or something close to it.

Hell, I’m not even sure I feel anything anymore. I am a morale person becouse I know it’s the right thing to do, and alot of it is law. But I don’t feel it. It’s hard to explain. I’ve never been a social person. I don’t get it. Half the time I just don’t know what to say. Actually, thats most of the time, especially in large crouds. Socializing and interacting with groups of people is hard for me, so hard that I sometimes avoid it just so I don’t feel uncomfortable, and for the one thing that I know will happen, being left out. If I go to a party, even with friends, I end up sitting there drinking a beer watching tv or something while everyone else is chatting up and having fun. Maybe it’s them, maybe it’s me. I don’t really know, I just know that it sucks.

It’s almost like that show Dexter on showtime. I can fake it, but I don’t get it. Emotion doesn’t really become me. About the  only emotion I know is extremes one way or the other. Sure, I can laugh and have fun at work and with friends at times, but thats  normal (i guess). And who knows, it could just be a case of depression with a chemical imbalance that causes anti-socialism. But, that would require a therapist and drugs. And I don’t want drugs, and I don’t want drugs to change who I am. I smoke pot to laugh and have a good time right before I go to sleep.

And that goes back to the first part. Why does god make my life suck so much? I can’t ever get ahead in life. I have constant pain in my knee. I get a headache whenever I put my glasses on (well, not a headache really, just massive pain behind my ear). I’m always broke and can never seem to save anything to get my ass out of these shithole apartments. I just want something good to happen for once. Let me win the lotto, heel my knee (without surgery and 3 months off work), hell, just take the fucking pain away from my head. If not that, then maybe the one thing I think about always when driving. I get t-boned and fucked up. At least that’d be a change from this life.

Anyways….. last week another friend of mine bought a houka. We were pretty unsure how they worked, and after a long, long discussion with 2 different head shop guys, we got our shit and headed back to his place to try it out. First, we tried it the traditional way with just the flavored tobacco so our non-420 friends (actually former 420 friendly friends) could try it out before they went home. Later, after that went dead, we tried a nice mix with the green. After about 20 minutes or so, we got bored and impatient, as it wasn’t working as planned. So, we lit up the water pipe and played video games. Revolving in conversation, the topic switched to the bag of crap laying on the coffee table, which turned out to be the aftermath of the vaporizer (which still works in a pipe, just not as well or as long). I brought up the idea of using it in the houka, just being patient and hanging out with it all day and seeing how it goes.

Well, sure enough, then next day my friend phoned me later than night to tell me that my idea was dead on. Damn I’m a fucking genious. Especially when I’m high.

Politics: I’ve always thought of myself as a Republican (and don’t stereotype me just becouse of that!), mainly becouse that was the way I was raised. It was all I knew. I stayed that way just due to the fact they shared a few common ideals based on my religious views. Lately, however, I’ve been questioning this party. You can totally thank that jackass in charge for this. W and his heart impaired lackey have fucked us over time and time again and he needs to go. 1-20-09 just cant get here fast enough. I’m not saying I’m about to turn from red to blue, but maybe a little purple.

Religion: Well, here we go. I was raised in the standard christian faith, which I guess is why I also always went with the republican side of things. However, I have no problem with people who wish to believe something else, or even quite simply nothing at all. I do, however, get tired of all the bullshit I read (especially on sites like digg.com) about how retarted I am just becouse I wish to believe in something greater than myself. I hate being labeled as a “creationist” just becouse I believe in god. Fuck that label. As you can see, I’m not your typical christian. I choose to still believe becouse I want to, not becouse anyone says I should or should not. Fuck Dawkins and his bullshit. Just becouse he can deny and debate bullshit like no one else, doesn’t necessarily mean he is right or wrong. I don’t care what he thinks. If he is so awesome, then why does he feel the need to belittle anyone who has some sort of faith?

Greenage: I am totally 420 friendly. I believe it should be legal, yet regulated….lightly. However, I don’t totally believe I’m a pothead. Why? Becouse I don’t smoke all that much. I don’t wakenbake, I don’t drive high, and don’t smoke just sitting around the house all day. I wait until I am out of work, done with all errands and chores, and can just sit down and watch tv, smoke a bowl, and drink beer until I fall asleep.

I have my own real blog where I talk about a lot of things, but there are 3 topics I refuse to discuss there. I don’t discuss them becouse they are either touchy topics which can drive a hole into friendships, or I just don’t feel like telling the world (mainly friends) about certain pleasures I partake in.

Polictics. Religion. Marijuana.

I’ll get into the specifics of each later, but just know that no matter what I say, I don’t give a fuck what you think of me.